Love

When I found out I was pregnant with Gracie, I immediately loved her. That may sound crazy, but I did. I couldn't see her, I couldn't feel her, she barely existed. She was a line on a stick. But I loved that line. I would have done anything for the baby that line represented. That love grew...the first ultrasound, the first time I felt her move, when I found out she was a girl, every purchase and gift that began to fill her room...Each of those things deepened my love for her. The moment she was born and I heard her big newborn cry, my heart swelled with a love it had never known before. I honestly believed I could not possibly love a person more than I loved her that day. I was wrong. I fall more in love with Gracie every day. The love I had for her when I first realized she existed was real. It was a love I was capable of. But the love I have for her today is so much deeper. Today I honestly feel that I could not possibly love her any more than I do today. But deep down, I know I'm wrong.

Then there was Liam. I loved him right away too. I loved Liam before he was a line on a stick. The line provided confirmation, but my heart already knew he was there. I loved him immensely. But I worried. My love for Gracie was already deep and established, and it felt different than this new budding love I felt for Liam. I would ask Jared, "Will I ever be able to love this baby as much as I love Gracie?" Silly me. I saw him on an ultrasound; I felt him move; I found out he was a boy; I bought little clothes and blankets to wrap around him; my love intensified. I watched my belly dance and I talked to him. I loved him a little more. The day came that he was born into this world and I heard his tiny newborn cry. I cannot put into words what my mommy heart felt for that naked little baby boy. Now he is a handsome 1 year old boy. Today I honestly feel that I could never possibly love him more than I do today. I know I am wrong.

The love I have for Liam cannot even be compared with the love I have for Gracie. It is so completely different and so completely the same. This heart of mine somehow has enough love for both of them. This heart is practically bursting at the seams with all the love it has for those two little people. This heart could not possibly love another person as much as I love these two babies.

Wrong.

 This heart is bursting with love for another baby. A baby I don't even know yet. A baby who will never be a line on a stick to me, a baby whose ultrasound I'll never see, a baby who I'll never feel moving inside of me, and whose first moments I won't ever see, or hear his newborn cry. But little by little, the love I have for this tiny person increases. I truly love this 3rd baby of ours. My arms can't wait to hold him/her. It sounds crazy, to me even, that I am already in love with a baby who is still just a thought. I still have moments when I worry my heart will not have enough love to go around or that because this love is different, it will somehow be inadequate. I love knowing I'm wrong.