Meant to Be

When I started this blog, I didn't intend to share much ugly. I've read adoption blogs that focus all on the awesome happy side and I've read some that tend to share a lot of reality, including negative. I'm a pretty honest person, but this is the internet after all, so I decided to keep most of the junky parts to myself. Still, there are some parts that I feel like I should preserve, even though they're difficult. So today's post is going to be difficult.

Last week, I was shocked when our caseworker asked if we'd like to see the file of a beautiful little girl. Our first reaction, of course, was just surprise at the timing. We were not expecting to see a file for quite a while, since our home study is still (yes, STILL) in the review process. And of course, shock that the file belonged to a girl, as we've been feeling pretty positive we'd be referred a boy.

After the initial shock wore off and the earliest questions were positively answered, we felt sure that we should move forward to the next step, which is to send the file to our international pediatrician. Yes, this is really soon, but maybe this was our baby! We knew this darling girl would always be in the back of minds if we did not give her a fair chance. We know that God's timing is perfect and if this was His timing, we would go forward. So we basically left it up to the pediatrician's report. We laid out some clear guidelines together. If those were met, we would accept. If not, we would decline. We prayed for a very clear answer and that we know exactly what to do when the time for an answer came.

That seems pretty cut and dry, right? Easy. Except it's not. Because we're talking about a baby. A human baby. Who has no family. Whose photo I've seen, whose name, weight, length, and feeding schedule I know. We tried not to become attached. But when there's a photo (several actually) of a sweet little girl sitting in your inbox, and you wonder if she's yours, it's hard not to sneak a peek. Or two. Or more... It's hard not to imagine what it would feel like to hold her, to snuggle her close, to watch her grow in my home, to hear her laughter as she joins in our family fun, and to comfort her when she grieves. And, even though you know it's not true and you truly believe with all your heart that her life is governed by One who created us all, you somehow feel as though her future is in your hands.

No matter how hard you try not to become attached or think of her as your own, the "no" hurts. We got our answer to prayer, we got a very clear answer. As crazy as it seems, we have peace about the "no". Because we feel 100% sure in our hearts that she is not our daughter. But gosh, it's hard. The thought takes my breath away. Sitting here, wondering if she will ever know the love of a family seriously makes it hard for me to breathe. How can I grieve over a baby that was never mine? I don't know, but I know I can, because I am. I struggle to even say her name because it makes me involuntarily tear up.

My first thought, in an effort to comfort myself, was "It just wasn't meant to be". But I don't think that's quite right. It WAS meant to be. She was not meant to be part of our family, but we were meant to allow her into our hearts. And SHE was meant to be. I pray somewhere out there, God has a family for her. And that she will feel His love and protection. She may not have a family right now, but I know that she has a purpose. She is meant to be. A beautiful little girl, placed on this earth for a reason. Meant to be.

My sister in law reminded me that the little girl is one step closer to her forever family now. And we praise God for His faithfulness to us as He continues to break our hearts for these little ones and bring us one step closer to our baby.